So, no Apocalypse, then...

I had decided to wait to see if it was going to be the end of the world, but as it isn't I will be going ahead with my Plan. As from now, I will be using the Plan when shopping mainly, but I reserve the right to use the Plan when it seems appropriate, in other words, whenever I like. The salient points are:-

1. If when you are shopping you get the the end of the checkout, then start to look for your purse, then start packing your bags, then stop to talk to your friend/the cashier/the little pink elephants circling your head, I will kill you.
2. If when in any shop but especially a bookshop or a supermarket, please only walk forwards. If you step back on my instep, just the once, in memory of the million people who have done it before you, I will kill you. If you scrape your heel down my heel, skinning it, I will kill you slowly, by skinning. I have the technology.
3. If you meet old friends in the supermarket and stop to speak to them with both trolleys across the aisle I will hunt you down like dogs and kill you.

They are the main points, but there are subclauses, which carry a lighter sentence. They are;-

1. If you point at my very beautiful, three year old, long-haired, pink-clad granddaughter and say 'Look at that. Isn't it cute? It's even got little wellies on,' as if she is a chihuahua in a dress, I won't kill you, but it would be a kindness. You know who you are, you mad old bat: you did it only last Wednesday in a coffee shop. To do the child credit she did wait until she got round the corner to raise a sardonic eyebrow.
2. If you approach a barrier in a car park or any other closed exit/entrance and then look for money to find you don't have any, I will not give you the entrance money to get you out of my way. You've caught me too many times before, oh, member of the public. I am wise to you now.
3. And now here comes the politically incorrect bit - if you are on crutches, have an arm in a complex plaster, can only walk at snail's pace and that sideways, please don't go shopping in the lunch hour or in the last few days before Christmas. I don't have to threaten you with hell and damnation because you will be weeded out by natural selection by the marauding hordes all trying to get their shopping done. Yes, you have as much right to the High Street as everyone else and yes, you have your shopping to do. But other people have just the same right to assume that you can get out of their way and shouldn't be made to feel bad and to get angry because they are being held up. A little planning would be helpful - that's all I'm saying.

Other than that, Merry Christmas!

This hasn't been a good week, reading-wise!

I've been a bit grumpy this week. I have finally read every single Dorothy L Sayers book there is to read, including the later ones by Jill Paton Walsh, where she 'writes as' - and very well she does it too. So I was whiffling around in the Kindle list on Amazon trying to find something to read at bedtime (whinge about Kindle disadvantages to follow - keep reading) when for some stupid reason, I decided to buy an Agatha Christie. Yes, I know, I know, I don't know why I did it; it was getting late and I was weak. Anyway, I chose Elephants can remember or some such stupid title and started to read. It was an unusual experience - I know all the words were English, but they seemed to be in the wrong order. Poor old Agatha, she was clearly losing it at this point, but wasn't there an editor? Someone who should have told her that enough was enough, you are only a writer if what you write makes sense, dear. Go and have a nice lie down with a cup of tea and your medication. I gave up. I jumped to the end to find who dunnit but it was no surprise; I had the denouement sorted from about the third page.

So, nothing daunted, I went back to Kindle pages to choose something else. A Ruth Rendell this time, Tigerlily's Orchids. I won't go into details, because I am still annoyed with myself for spending money on it, but this book is also a bit of a disgrace, an example of what happens when the writer is so famous that the editor doesn't do what's needed in the way of making sure that it makes sense, is interesting and has a plot. Also, Kindle - typos! My wordIdon'tthinkIhaveeverseensomanywordsruntogetherinonebookbefore.

So, yes, downside of Kindles. You can't read them in the bath. Forget the advert where the woman is floating in the pool reading her Kindle - the instructions are clear that you mustn't get them wet (or is that Mogwai?) or even near water. So I have to have a second book on the go, for bathtime reading.

So, later today I am hitting the bookshops, both new and second hand. I will have a riffle through and then buy or not as the case may be. And if I come across a sentence like this '"Elephant, chocolate, pencil," Ariadne Oliver expostulated grimly, "Whatever floats your anvil, Monsieur Poirot, and mind the weasel, it tends to roll up in August.",' I won't buy it.