Friday, 21 December 2012

So, no Apocalypse, then...

I had decided to wait to see if it was going to be the end of the world, but as it isn't I will be going ahead with my Plan. As from now, I will be using the Plan when shopping mainly, but I reserve the right to use the Plan when it seems appropriate, in other words, whenever I like. The salient points are:-

  1. If when you are shopping you get the the end of the checkout, then start to look for your purse, then start packing your bags, then stop to talk to your friend/the cashier/the little pink elephants circling your head, I will kill you.
  2. If when in any shop but especially a bookshop or a supermarket, please only walk forwards. If you step back on my instep, just the once, in memory of the million people who have done it before you, I will kill you. If you scrape your heel down my heel, skinning it, I will kill you slowly, by skinning. I have the technology.
  3. If you meet old friends in the supermarket and stop to speak to them with both trolleys across the aisle I will hunt you down like dogs and kill you.

They are the main points, but there are subclauses, which carry a lighter sentence. They are;-

  1. If you point at my very beautiful, three year old, long-haired, pink-clad granddaughter and say 'Look at that. Isn't it cute? It's even got little wellies on,' as if she is a chihuahua in a dress, I won't kill you, but it would be a kindness. You know who you are, you mad old bat: you did it only last Wednesday in a coffee shop. To do the child credit she did wait until she got round the corner to raise a sardonic eyebrow.
  2. If you approach a barrier in a car park or any other closed exit/entrance and then look for money to find you don't have any, I will not give you the entrance money to get you out of my way. You've caught me too many times before, oh, member of the public. I am wise to you now.
  3. And now here comes the politically incorrect bit - if you are on crutches, have an arm in a complex plaster, can only walk at snail's pace and that sideways, please don't go shopping in the lunch hour or in the last few days before Christmas. I don't have to threaten you with hell and damnation because you will be weeded out by natural selection by the marauding hordes all trying to get their shopping done. Yes, you have as much right to the High Street as everyone else and yes, you have your shopping to do. But other people have just the same right to assume that you can get out of their way and shouldn't be made to feel bad and to get angry because they are being held up. A little planning would be helpful - that's all I'm saying.
Other than that, Merry Christmas!